Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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