is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
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the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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