You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
