You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i came on her dog
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The power of my boobs compel you
All I want is dick and wine.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
