I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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