Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
