when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
