awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.