So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?