i need an iv and a liver transplant
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
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Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.