I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.