So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
