It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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