I don't usually arrange sex via text message
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
