whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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