I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
