By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
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I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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