I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
