Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
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Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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