he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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