i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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