He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize