The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
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My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
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Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize