That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage