How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
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I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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