Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
