i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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