That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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