I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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