i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she peed on how many people?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize