Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
