I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
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He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
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We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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