If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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