Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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