I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I want to be your penis for a week.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
