ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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