If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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