brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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