i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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