I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
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I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
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Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again