You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ketchup is God's man juice
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Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
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Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.