Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine