you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been