can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
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I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.