im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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