someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
