at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize