apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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