I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight