we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
a search helicopter?!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
