you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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