clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome