Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.