just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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