if i can run in heels then i can drive
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
last night I used snow as a chaser
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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